The American Hotdog: Socialistsic behavior

After years of research, trial and error, and many paper towels, I have finally come to understand the nature and personality of the American Hotdog.

Although it may seem simplistic to most, the American Hotdog is a very intricate and unique breed of hotdog. It acts as a mere standalone relying on other species, such as humans to help its pollination. Although modern science has yet to explain exactly how it attracts the eye, the American Hotdog does quite a good job at luring the unsuspecting person to it with a watering mouth.

In its simple form, the American Hotdog can be quite a treat, but some carnivores (mainly the humans) like to prepare the hotdog even further. This of course, does not please the hotdog.
When the now turned predator tries to engulf the friendly hotdog in flames, perhaps next to its distant cousin the beef patty, the hotdog uses its last measures of self defense. To ward off anything it can, our friend the American Hotdog uses a method unique to its own species and none other in the world as we know it. Upon the desecration of its kind, the hotdog tends to bulge out at either or both ends and depending on the severity of the attack, can split open, or with the harshest attacks, can even perform an extremely gruesome kamikaze-like ritual and explode. This ensures that the predators will no longer desire the once friendly and delicious treat.

As the ages has advanced in time, humans have tried many times to stop the defensive actions of the American Hotdog. One of the more favored attempts involve fornicating the hotdog with a wooden stick, and then dipping the entire thing in a golden batter.

Although this may sound completely inhumane, to the hotdog, it causes little discomfort....... until a predator desires to raise the temperature of the corn-batter encased hotdog, or "reheat" it. This, yet again, causes the American Hotdog to go into its natural defense mode.

And yet again, to be frank, the American Hotdog will live on in our hearts for years to come.

As long as we keep the microwave on for under 2 minutes, that is.


-Brian Gaut
Original Report Date: 08/31/2004